Short peace of fan-fiction i wrote for Conan
I read an article recently about a group of eastern monks that would recite the words of budda in there minds constantly until the teachings resounded within there hearts with every beat. I thought this a beautiful idea but never understood the use of brainwashing my self into a monk, but as I was reading I noticed a comment at the bottom of the article that caught my interest saying " I believe this practice could be applied to any belief or life style system" I found this reasonable and read on what this man had wrote in his comment. in great detail he described his day using this repeating method of life style adjustment. He didn't use budda though, or Gandi or even a powerful world leader, who's words he had chosen to resound within his heart were the words of Conan the Barbarian. The events of his day he described I found compelling and enthralling, exciting to no end and something I had to experience. So I decided, I would take up the mantra of Conan and in my heart all day would be the phrase of the warriors own self declared purpose of life. When asked what was best in life Conans replay was " To crush your enemy's, to see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of there women" and so that to was my replay.The night before I decide to live a day as Conan I shut my alarm clock off fearing that in the morning with the words of the warrior in my mind I might destroy the noise contraption of slumber slaying for interrupting my sleep, besides I didn't think I would feel like going to school that day anyway. So instead of waking at my normal 5 to 6 am i awoke at 7 with the sun and greeted the day with a loud bellow of "CONAN WHAT iS BEST iN LIFE? TO CRUSH YOUR ENEMY'S, TO DRiVE THEM BEFORE YOU AND TO HEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF THERE WOMEN! And so my day was on and my every conscious thought was set towards my new beliefs as a warrior. I threw my blankets and bedding aside and purposefully and powerfully walked to the kitchen where I saw my mother making coffee next to the sink. "Good morning mother!" I said in a pleasant if rather abrasive tone. She looked at me eyes askew " Why didn't you go to school?" with a slight pause i said "I'm doing an experiment mom" not wanting to anger my tribes head meal maker.She looked a bit oddly at me but shrugged and went back to feeding the caffeine to-tum more bean powder.I decied I was hungery when my stomach was growling at me with intent to start chewing away my stomach lining so I searched threw my fridge for substance. I saw five pounds of ground beef in a role in my fridge, I hastily grab it and start tearing away the plastic wrapping with my teeth, the warriors answer to the life's question still in my mind "What is best in life? To crush...". By now my mother is looking at me with a mix of horror, disgust and not a small amount of shame but she quietly leaves the kitchen muttering about hormones. I throw the reaming half pound of raw ground beef in the sink licking my fingers clean while still in my mind plays "to drive your enemy's before you..." Drive? I grab my truck keys and make my way out the door in nothing but white tea shirt and a pair of shorts when my mother approaches me saying "Where are you going in your pajamas?" I look at my self and decide that i'm more then a match for any ten men, my delusions of grander seem a fact to me then, and walk past her out the door.
Getting in my white Chevy S10 pick-up I revel in the chance I get to crush a spider crawling on my door handle and let free a small battle cry of victory upon wiping his gore free of my hand. I start up my truck with little issue and proceed to floor it out of my apartment complex on to the main road
for the nearest main settlement to establish my self as king. While driving on my way to what I recognized as the path to harrisonburg I have small moments of clarity between "to crush your enemy's" and "the lamentations of there women" I realize the fruit of the loom tea shirt im wearing is covered in blood from
the hamburger I ate raw earlier, Ive been singing a song in a tong I'm not sure is even real and that i'm driving close to 130 miles an hour. Before I can rationalize what to do all i hear is "Conan, what is best in life?" The random waling i deem the songs of Crom harken forward from my lips and I drive on.
As I reach the city proper I come upon a line of vehicles upfront of me obeying some kind of light on a string, leaning out my chariots window i shout "Move on,
or is my wraith your wish!?" the light turns the shade of grass and the cars begin to move. I smile victoriously.
I reach the "wal-mart" as it is called in the glyphs on the front and assume by its size and the glyphs and the staggering amount of people it must be this city's temple. I walk threw magic doors that open with no touch to find only more people and bright lights everywhere. Small and large people scurry around with offerings of all kinds. Strange things in boxes and odd long things like weapons but of obvious inferior make and quality. This must not be a war gods temple. The city is riped for the taking and the mantra plays in my head "Crush your enemy, drive him before you! Hear the...". I wonder the temple and see no guards but the priest in the blue clothing with the yellow face stickers keep giving my strange looks and pointing at my blood stained shirt. I chuckle at there unwar-like life style. I walk the temple of "wal-mart" unarmed and resign my self that due to its shear size I will need a weapon of sorts to conquer the whole of it. I grab a small dark skinned man and shake him saying "Where is you weapon smith?!". He trembles in my grasp and starts to sweat and studder "umm sir I just, uhh" I shake him harder " Your weapons man! Even the weak unfit people you seem to be must have WEAPONS?!?!" The small man faints in my hands, I spit and toss him aside in disgust. I will have to make make my own it seems. i look around and gather in my resources. There is a rack of clothing with a metal center, I quickly trow aside the thin useless rags of clothing to thin to warm a man when I realize I am wear much the same. I Discard my garb and I grab a thick, brown "sweater" and rip the front down and the sleeves off to make a vest. Much better . A pair of brown "slacks" that rip half-way up the shin make for better paints for travel then what I had. Better equipped I turn to the the racks thick metal center. it is wide enough to hold comfortably in my hand so i remove the round top and pronged bottom and hold my unfinished broad sword.Its Nothing more then an inch wide peice of pipe but that dident matter at the moment. It is comfortable in my hand at 4 feet long with a brilliant sheen. I take two of the prongs from its feet and shove them into its sides near the now pommel of a broad sword for its hand guards. i use the sweater sleeves to make a sling to carry it on my back. Now fully equipped, I decide I will seek this temples idol and show him the power of Gary!
"What is best in life?....Crush your enemy....drive them befor..."
I Pushed threw the throge off humanity in my way to get to the front of the "Wal-Mart" in search of this temples Main idol. I see a line in front of a large one-eye totem with the letters "A-T-M" carved in the front. I take a moment to admire the craftsmanship as all the totems angles and letter are perfectly straight. its well crafted beauty will be missed. I rip my broad sword from my back and hail it over my head. Gathering all the the air I can in my lungs I let loose the fury of a man who's accomplishment include slaying the spider! Comanding the magic light on a string that held back a dozen chariots! That crafted the great sword from the cloths-rack-of-old-fall-seasonal-clothing! I am Gary the barbarian! My swings meat no resistances as I slash into the idols once glowing eye now forever blinded. Its outer shell falls away to revel a mass of colored metal thread that I stomp with my bare feat out of the totums belly. It spews green paper in great waves like the blood of a hydras neck. The once timid people that ran in fear when I first started my assault on the idol are now charging it in droves and collecting its green life blood. I shove my way out of the mass and make my way to the stores magic doors. I enter the "Parking-lot" with the mass of chariots, gracefully with the leap of a panther I jump atop one of the chariots. "People of Harrisonburg, you are now mine! I have slain your idol God of A-T-M! You have no hope but my mercy and you will find it to be both fair and cruel. Now bow before your king!"An old women in a wheeled char looks at me with a odd stair but continues to role while everyone else simply walks on. I climb down the chariot and gaze around perplexed. Perhaps I did not kill there main idol? I find I have no time to think when a squealing chariot roles up to me with spinning red and blue torches of some kind of magic. Two men in a blue suits burst from the door with small metal shields on there chest. "Are you this temple guards?" I ask as the two men unleash small cubs from the sides of there belts. "Get on the ground moron!" I'm filled with an uncontrolled fury " NO MAN, BEAST OR IDOL TELLS GARY WHAT TO DO!" In an instant my sword is off my back and the mans arm hangs in funny way on his side as he screams and falls to the ground. "Can you not take even a little pain!?!" I roar. The second "cop", something tells me in the back of my mind these are police, stairs slack jawed at his fellow officer as I pounce on him and sheath my sword with all the fury and deadly grace of a tiger and proceed to strangle him. In seconds he is unconscious and a loud gurgle sound hearkens his entrance into what ever dreams weak warriors have. Im sure they dream of being me.
"Drive your enemy before you...what is best in life?"
I search the cops trousers for keys on instinct and relax into there magic squealing chariot. I glance around for a way to stop the screaming of the siren. Upon finding no switch in my 3 seconds of looking I kick a whole in the vehicles "dash bored", these strange terms keep coming to mind, and the lights and noise stop. I start up the chariot with the keys, again on instinct, and wheel the chariot around like mad ramming two others out the way in my push for the main road. I deiced ive had my fill of people and would like to have a bit of peace in the burtals of nature. I try and remember a place and words "Nation park" and "Skyline" come to mind. I drive on for sometime to find my self at the base of a large mountain.The entrance to the mountain is poorly guarded. An overweight women sits in a small glass box with an strange hat on. I pull up to her and she looks me up and down. "15 dollars to get on up the drive." Her lips and mouth smack disgustingly with something strange and pink in her mouth.I stair in open disgust ."Don't look at me like that!" she maneges to spit out while some how chewing around the wad of pink in her mouth. I sneer and spit. "WHAT?" she wales. "I'm calling th park rangers!" I understand in the back of my mind she means to call for reinforcements. I do not fear what ever army allows loud cud chewing cows in there forces but I do not want to deal with more people. I get out of my chariot and take my sword off my back and proceed to beat the glass box she is into a cage for this beast-women. She screams loud and is getting on my last nearve but she dose not try to stop or attack me even after I hammer the metal box she is in to a small cubical so I do not attack her. She is left whimpering in a ball at the bottom of her new prison as i walk away into the forest leaving behind what I hope to be humanity.
"of there women!...Conan what is..."
I walk the forest alone, undisturbed by any man. I brush agents solid oaks and rest agents soft firs. I drink from streams free and pure of mans toxic bile. I do this for hours as the sun is starting to set. While walking I notice a ways down the mountain silhouetted by the setting sun the form of a man in a suit much like the cow-women from earlier wore. I snarl. The man looks unafraid in nature unlike most men but he still tromps around with all the grace of a rhino. He glances around looking ,obviously for me. He has what i recognize as a "Fire arm" I assume he is then a mage of sorts. I silently trail him for a span and grow tired of stalking my pry. I decide to pounce. Falling from the tree above him I land silently behind him, with a swift slash I rake his back with my broad sword! Tt doesn't have the slashing affect I hope as its just a cloth-rack center. Darn. He stumbles a few feet and turns on me while pointing his fire-stick at chest level to me. I see him tighten, his knuckles go white, his grip is deadly and the trigger is pulled. But I am the warrior. With a heave and a shout of rage I rip a stump out of the ground next to the trail and hold it in place of my chest and watch as splinters fly and the slug from the mans rifle burrow into the stump. My rage and small victory are expressed in a battle cry as i heave the stump at the head of the cow-lady's comrade. The stump takes him in the temple, plowing him in the for head with 80 pounds of oak wooded stumpy fury. He shrieks and falls over the embankment of the mountain and into a 2 inch deep stream, out cold, and probably dreaming of being me along with the slack-jawed police men from earlier.
"To crush your enemy's, drive them..."
It is full night now and I hunger, I walk the forest again but now I do so as the hunter cat. I stealth along with silent feet when I hear more sounds of man, the crackling of a fire. And even more then the sound, the smell. I follow my noes and it leads me threw a line of thorns to a small camp of...i'm unsure what they are. They where bright red and blue coats to keep out cold but why so bright of color? With runes saying this like "Redwood" and "Ozark trail" on there coats. I Decide they are gypsies while some where in my head a man laughs that they are only campers. 3 men and 2 women sit around on small chairs. One of the girls has obviously been claimed by the loud blond man even if she appears to be spreading herself around to all the gypisey men,vieing for there eyes as the blond man grins. The other girl wears a coat of dark green and appears to be unhappy with her companions, I find the green clad one intriguing. Over there fire are strange meats that I understand innately to be hot dogs, I am angry I do not have those hot-dogs, there large colorful tents look strange but set for the night. I decide to wait till the bed to take there food. As I wait my stomach growls and I'm again filled with an inhuman rage at my lack of hot-dogs. I am tired of stealth. I roar a roar of primal fury and throw my self from the brush, my sword in hand. Parts of the brambles and thorns I waited in fly before me and are lodged in the eyes of one the men. Clutching his face he sprints into the forest but gets only as far as an abnormally broad maple tree and renders him self unconscious. Before anything else can register I rush the man beside the blond one so that after I dispatch him I can face the blond one, who I believe to be the leader, alone. I come in low and with all my might swing my sword into the side of his nee which response in kind by sending his nee-cap to the other side of his leg. He reacts by falling forward in the new direction his leg bends and directly into my uprising fist. He flys 5 feet landing next to the two girls that are cowering next to a bright pink tent. I turn to find the blond one has moved to the fires opposite side. Reaching down he grabs a long stick of torch wood from the fire and wields it like a small boy with a play sword waving it at me as if to scare away an animal with fire."You think I fear fire like a best!?" I bellow, he shirks back and I grab the stick, fire end in hand , and squeeze the flame out. "I FEAR NOTHING!" pulling him forward with the stick his terrified hands refuse to drop I plant a fist so powerful in his face that his hair is shaken loose by the force and his outfit is riped to shreds. He falls naked and bald to the ground. Under my breath I whisper "to crush your enemy's...."
The two girls cower and shiver as I walk to them, but before I can sooth them the one with the previously blond man leaps to her feet and sprints head first into the same tree that knocked out the first man. The girl in the green jacket giggles while i laugh along side her. I look her in the eyes and the look is not what I expect. No fear, what I thought was cowering was really waiting. No terror, she was not shivering but shaking with excitement. The look in hers eyes is of awe. I let the breath in my lungs slip into the cold night air and then I spoke. "You will be my battle Valkyrie, follow with me and be mine" not a question but she nods yes in acceptance. I take her hand and collect what is good in the camp. The furs in the tent labeled "Ozark Trail" the meat from the fire and my new battle wench. Holding her hand in mine, the furs from the tents wrapped around us and of us both chewing on the spoils-of-battle-hot-dogs we walk a mile from the camp in the cold night to a ridge over looking a large valley and lay together under the stars. Like that we slept till morning.
I awake with the dawn, warm sun on my face, warm body next to me. I stand and bask in the cold air and bright sun. Taking my sleeping Valkyrie in my arms I wrap her in blankets, throw my sword on my back and carry her to a ranger station, she stirs awake on the way but I tell her to sleep and she quietly obeys. I knock on the door and a groggy ranger with an enormous lump on his forehead who answers with a look of terror. I hand him the sleeping girl in my arms and rest my sword agents the door frame and tell him to see that she gets that and a ride home. He studders to say something but a glare cuts him off as he started to silently sob. I turn and start my long walk down the mountain to my truck in harrisonburg. I have a long walk ahead and a lot of time to think. Maybe I'll think of my own answer to that all important question. Or maybe just "Conan, what is best in life...?"
